just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
