can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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