I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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