She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
