mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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