I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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