Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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