just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
