oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
