Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
