I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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