Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
