So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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