Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
