Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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