I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
