Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
