I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
