I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
