Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
