he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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