Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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