every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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