I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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