I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Dear god my vagina.
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