Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
