Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
