just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
