Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
