Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
