You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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