porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
