You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
