And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
