great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
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The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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