i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
