my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
