Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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