You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
