Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
