i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
