The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
