you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
