Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
