he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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