How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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