Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He passed out mid-signature
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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