I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
