I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
