I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
third nipple confirmed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
