dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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