Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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