He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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