Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
