Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
