i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
