I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My ass is underappreciated
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
