I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
